There's No Pleasing Some People

Guess. Yep. Mommy. We had a sit down the other day at the office where she informed me that I'm not eating enough and what I'm doing is unhealthy. This is less than 24 hours after I informed her that I now wear a size 6. Holy shit a size 6! Anyway, coincidence? I think not.

But, more than not being able to please dear old mom, I can't please myself. Ok, that came out wrong. Why do I blog everything I'm thinking? Really? Is it necessary? Yes, yes, oh world of cyberspace, I can, in fact, please myself. Now, lets all get our minds out of the gutter and back to where we were prior to our little birdwalk. What I meant to say is that I will never live up to my own expectations because they are both constantly changing and contradictory and therefore, perhaps by design, completely unattainable. Good gawd, I am a glutton for punishment. But, what am I talking about? Ok, well, even though I've lost over 100 pounds, most of the time when I look in the mirror, I can't see a difference. Dr. AsianHonoraryJew says that's unfortunately the norm. And yet, I'm lying on my bed, typing this blog on my laptop, and I'm realizing that the laptop is actually grinding on my hipbones as I'm typing away and it's painful. I have protruding bones? How can I still be fat and have protruding bones?

Obviously, I'm aware that I am physically smaller due simply to the fact that all of my clothes are too big and I have protruding bones. But the mind is powerful and plays tricks. I think I was on a high for a while about losing the weight thinking that if I could just hit my goal weight, my life would be perfect. I've clearly come to understand this to be a fallacy, which leaves me in somewhat of an uncomfortable situation. Yeah, I don't know why I keep slipping in and out of college essay $50 words and my normal half English blabbering either, but I've noticed it too. Duely noted.

Speaking of things to be duely noted, I've begun recycling. BUT, not for the environment, for the money. I waited in line with an interesting crowd for a good 2 hours for my $6. Hey, cash is cash. I realized that I drink enough diet coke and water that I may as well subsidize myself on the cost by recycling...as distasteful as the whole idea is to me. I'm doin what I gotta do though. Trying to figure out the whole budget thing. Creative ways to make money. I have to laugh because there is, in existance, an extensive list actually entitled, "Ways to make money" compiled by my friends and myself during our summer camp days. I was reading through them the other day looking for ideas. I'm not so sure that "selling invisible things" would work out so well. Interesting concept tho. I mean, I sell invisible things. Intangible anyway. If you can't touch or hold something, because there isn't something to touch or hold, does it not exist or is it invisible? Hmmm......

My we go some interesting places in this blog, don't we?

Anyway, to bring it all home and together so that perhaps I get a few hours of sleep since it's only 3:45 am at present, here are my final thoughts on all of this. It's really just more of the same over and over again. Always worried about getting mom's approval so much so that I've begun to be less forgiving of myself than even she is. I stress myself out, and make myself crazy only to sit back and realize that butfor all of my "stuff" I'm in a really good place. Yeah, I'm broke and clipping coupons, but I'm in my mid twenties and own my own home. Maybe I just need to lighten up on myself. I'd never expect out of others what I expect from myself so maybe I should take my own advise and manage my own expectations.