151. One hundred fifty one pounds. WHAT THE HELL? I can't even blame the cruise. I can't blame the week after the cruise where I was recovering. First, and you won't even believe this. Actually, you probably will. I mean, you've already read all about my mother. She calls me into her office a couple of weeks ago. I'm struttin around because I worked out the night before and felt good. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "You can do whatever you want, but if you are trying to look like a body builder, you're well on your way. Women shouldn't use heavy weights because it's not attractive to be all bulky." I was in shock. See, I had just that morning been complimented on that very fact. Someone made a passing comment that I'm looking good, arm definition, etc. But, something about when mother says something like that to me...ugh...I thought fine. Screw my hard work. Screw eating healthfully. Screw working out. Maybe that'll make her happy. Well, and I did just that.
I don't even know if she noticed. But, I did. I noticed my energy level dropping, my clothes fitting differently, the definition in my arms, stomach, etc disappearing behind a thicker layer of blubber. Oh, get this. And then, to add insult to injury, I get hit with interesting news. You see, I had this, oh, what shall we call it.....I had this "thing" with my trainer. And the past few weeks he had gotten a bit flakey. Finally, he called to tell me he needed to tell me something and that he'd tell me at a party I was hosting for my networking group which I got him into. Fine. A few days pass and it's the day of the event. Fucker sits down and informs me that he's separated and his wife is in Canada. He starts his boo-hooing campaign about how she's messed up, they've been together forever, he's here and she's there and he wants to do whatever he can to work it out.
Luckily for him, I had spent the better part of the day making and drinking my famous margaritas so I was in somewhat of a jovial mood. And then the party ended. Everyone cleared out...we started putting the house back together and this conversation kept echoing in my head. I realized that I wasn't upset that for all intents and purposes it was "over" whatever "it" is/was. No, I was/am upset that he looked me dead in the eye and lied to my face all under the auspises of laying all of the cards on the table before we even started working out! So, what did I do? What do we do? Well, we feed, drug and happy hour our emotions.
Don't forget. I'm still a fat person in smaller clothes. When a trauma hits me, I act as though I'm back at my starting weight. As I keep saying, the body may be fixed, or at least getting there. The mind, however, is all fucked up...and probably always will be.
I'm lucky to have amazing friends who understand, who have been there, who have seen me be there...and well, that's where I'm at today. Weighing in at at least 151lbs. Pissed off. Hurt. Shocked. Amazed. And yet, I know that if I call any one of these little guys or FTPO as a bunch, we're all in this together.
I just realized, I have no idea what I've eaten over the past few weeks, if I liked it, how it tasted, how much it cost, where I got it from or if I used a napkin. Just goes to show ya (and me), that It's Not About The Food.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
We Are Always Under Construction...
It's been a tumultuous few weeks, to say the least. Family drama, drama with friends, personal life crap going on...all recipe's for disaster for someone on a diet. But, here's the deal. I'm not cured. I don't think I ever will be. They say that inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out...but I think the opposite is also true. I'd be willing to bet that if we were all honest with each other, we could all admit that if you were once fat and then lost the weight, you're just a fat person in smaller skin. Well, maybe skin was the wrong word. Smaller pants...how bout that?
Anyway, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm still screwed up in the head. I think like I'm double the size; I act that way sometimes; and worst of all, I'm somewhat paranoid that when others see me, they see right through the size small shirt and size 4 pants (sorry, HAD to throw that in there), and they really see ME. Emotional wreck. Indecisive. Unsure of myself. All things I had assumed would go away. No such luck.
Hell, I even try to act like a "skinny girl". Ugh, it feels so fake. Anyway, maybe that will change once I get further along in my reconstruction project. I'm about 95% done with the weight loss portion. And now it's time to tone up. No, I haven't been back to the gym. Instead I now have a personal trainer. He kicks my ass and pushes me til I collapse. I'm one of those people who either needs to be in TOTAL CONTROL, or have someone completely overpower me physically or even psychologically, because if i sense weakness, it's all over. Yes I know I need to work out, I know I'm screwed up in the head, but I am a stubborn bitch when I don't want to do something in the moment.
Anyway, I now have a major plumbing problem. Need a new sewer line and apparently that requires digging up my front yard. That's besides the point.
Anyway, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm still screwed up in the head. I think like I'm double the size; I act that way sometimes; and worst of all, I'm somewhat paranoid that when others see me, they see right through the size small shirt and size 4 pants (sorry, HAD to throw that in there), and they really see ME. Emotional wreck. Indecisive. Unsure of myself. All things I had assumed would go away. No such luck.
Hell, I even try to act like a "skinny girl". Ugh, it feels so fake. Anyway, maybe that will change once I get further along in my reconstruction project. I'm about 95% done with the weight loss portion. And now it's time to tone up. No, I haven't been back to the gym. Instead I now have a personal trainer. He kicks my ass and pushes me til I collapse. I'm one of those people who either needs to be in TOTAL CONTROL, or have someone completely overpower me physically or even psychologically, because if i sense weakness, it's all over. Yes I know I need to work out, I know I'm screwed up in the head, but I am a stubborn bitch when I don't want to do something in the moment.
Anyway, I now have a major plumbing problem. Need a new sewer line and apparently that requires digging up my front yard. That's besides the point.
Friday, May 8, 2009
As Google Chat Would Say... And We're Back
Alright. I apologize for my extended absense. I've had a lot of drama going on in my life over the past few months, and yo-yoed on the weight a bit, and as of this morning I'm down to 138.4 lbs! Yay. Anyway, if you'd like to know what's been going on over the past month, check out my other blog, which I doubt if I'll update anymore. japonabus.blogspot.com It's kinda funny, if nothing else.
I'm going on a cruise in July. A 7 night Mexican Cruise. (Cross your fingers that Swine Flu will be a thing of the past). Anyway, I'm not so much in weight loss mode right now, as I am in firm up mode. If I could drop 12.6 lbs before then, great, but I'm much more concerned with two things.
1. My absolute lack of a base tan. I'm white as a ghost. I think I'm going to attempt to remedy that with a blend of self-tanner and a trip to the tanning salon 1-2x a week between now and then.
2. But, that's not my big problem. Skin is my problem. In my tummy especially. A friend of mine showed me some great stomach tightening exercises that I've been doing religiously since I learned. Now, I realized that I actually have pretty tight abs...the problem is the layer of skin hanging off of them. And I do mean hanging. Nowhere near as bad as before, but still. So, the next couple of months are going to be a lot more about exercise and toning muscles as opposed to straight losing weight. Ok, all of that plus I need to buy a bathing suit. And cruise attire.
Ok, enough of that. Maybe because it's getting warmer out. Maybe because I'm still not used to it. And maybe because I just can't let myself be happy for once. What the hell am I talking about? Ok, you're right. Should probably share that with the audience. I'm going back to my observation from about a year ago about the fact that I've noticed a distinct change in how people treat me. BOTH people I've known my entire life as well as perfect strangers. My issue is this. I may look "normal" now, but I still have fat girl mentality for the most part. Therefore, I over analyze my interactions with people and have concluded that people are more engaging towards me because I look different. Up until about 5 min ago, I had a strong resentment towards the majority of the population. But, I realized that we are all human. I most likely do the same thing, although I am uber conscious of it, so maybe I don't do it to the extent that I feel it is done to me.
How can I judge people and dislike them for something we all do to various degrees and usually unintentionally? Yes, I want to shout my story from the roof tops, because I am really proud of myself. Yes, I want to tell everyone what I've overcome. And yet, when they notice without me pointing it out, I resent the complement because in MY warped mind, I only got the complement because of how I look and would have not gotten it before.
I almost equate a what happens emotionally during and after a substantial weight loss to a volcanic eruption. Think about it. A volcano grows and grows and grows and can withstand increasing amounts of pressure. Eventually, when the time is right, the volcano erupts and then dangerous, hot lava comes pouring out. Well, if you are an emotional eater like I am, you eat and eat and grow and grow. This seems relatively normal to us in our little world that we create for ourselves. And then we decide to make a change. We somehow kick it into overdrive and get on a weight loss plan that works for us. Well, after this explosion, after we've dropped that first noticible chunk of weight, the dangerous hot lava begins to seep out. These are the hurts, the emotions, our childhood memories, all of the things that we suppressed by eating.
Let me tell you I've gotta lotta lava...I'll have more to add later...but I now know more than ever, that clearly,
It's Not About The Food
I'm going on a cruise in July. A 7 night Mexican Cruise. (Cross your fingers that Swine Flu will be a thing of the past). Anyway, I'm not so much in weight loss mode right now, as I am in firm up mode. If I could drop 12.6 lbs before then, great, but I'm much more concerned with two things.
1. My absolute lack of a base tan. I'm white as a ghost. I think I'm going to attempt to remedy that with a blend of self-tanner and a trip to the tanning salon 1-2x a week between now and then.
2. But, that's not my big problem. Skin is my problem. In my tummy especially. A friend of mine showed me some great stomach tightening exercises that I've been doing religiously since I learned. Now, I realized that I actually have pretty tight abs...the problem is the layer of skin hanging off of them. And I do mean hanging. Nowhere near as bad as before, but still. So, the next couple of months are going to be a lot more about exercise and toning muscles as opposed to straight losing weight. Ok, all of that plus I need to buy a bathing suit. And cruise attire.
Ok, enough of that. Maybe because it's getting warmer out. Maybe because I'm still not used to it. And maybe because I just can't let myself be happy for once. What the hell am I talking about? Ok, you're right. Should probably share that with the audience. I'm going back to my observation from about a year ago about the fact that I've noticed a distinct change in how people treat me. BOTH people I've known my entire life as well as perfect strangers. My issue is this. I may look "normal" now, but I still have fat girl mentality for the most part. Therefore, I over analyze my interactions with people and have concluded that people are more engaging towards me because I look different. Up until about 5 min ago, I had a strong resentment towards the majority of the population. But, I realized that we are all human. I most likely do the same thing, although I am uber conscious of it, so maybe I don't do it to the extent that I feel it is done to me.
How can I judge people and dislike them for something we all do to various degrees and usually unintentionally? Yes, I want to shout my story from the roof tops, because I am really proud of myself. Yes, I want to tell everyone what I've overcome. And yet, when they notice without me pointing it out, I resent the complement because in MY warped mind, I only got the complement because of how I look and would have not gotten it before.
I almost equate a what happens emotionally during and after a substantial weight loss to a volcanic eruption. Think about it. A volcano grows and grows and grows and can withstand increasing amounts of pressure. Eventually, when the time is right, the volcano erupts and then dangerous, hot lava comes pouring out. Well, if you are an emotional eater like I am, you eat and eat and grow and grow. This seems relatively normal to us in our little world that we create for ourselves. And then we decide to make a change. We somehow kick it into overdrive and get on a weight loss plan that works for us. Well, after this explosion, after we've dropped that first noticible chunk of weight, the dangerous hot lava begins to seep out. These are the hurts, the emotions, our childhood memories, all of the things that we suppressed by eating.
Let me tell you I've gotta lotta lava...I'll have more to add later...but I now know more than ever, that clearly,
It's Not About The Food
Monday, January 5, 2009
It's A New Year
I know, I know. Yes, I'm back. No I didn't gain the weight back. For some reason, I took a hiatus from my blog, well, and my exercise routine. But, on my last night of my Hawaiian vacation, I'm returning to my blog, and by Wednesday, I should be back at Curves. How's the weight loss going? Well, I'm down to anywhere between 139-150. Haven't been on a scale in about 2 weeks, so to be honest, I don't know exactly. Guess vacation has to end. But, it's a good thing, I think. Back home, back to reality. Ahh, reality bites. It really does.
Alright, so what have I been up to the past few months besides not going to the gym? Well, to be honest, I've done a lot of playing. A lot of dabbling. A lot of trying. A bit of experimenting. I'm not done playing yet. I don't know how to be serious. I realized about a month ago, that the last 2 guys I've dated, or whatever, have been nice guys. One, I grew bored with and began to duck phone calls and avoid making plans. I had to cut him lose and it killed me when his eyes welled up when I said goodbye. But, I couldn't lead him on. I can't be the asshole that I despise so much. The next one was a great find. This is the type of guy I'm supposed to marry...the guy who I wasn't supposed to meet for a few more years. But, I scared him off by giving him way too many details of my social life too soon. Subconsciencely, I did it on purpose. I'm quite sure of it. I wasn't ready to be done playing. But 2 nice guys I pushed out of my life. 2 guys who opened doors, called when they said they would, were funny, interesting, had a good head on their shoulders, etc.
I'm not ready to grow up. To take responsibility. All I can do is be anal retentive and OCD about a couple of things I obsess about, and those things change almost on a daily basis. My coffee mugs are stored in order by size, refrigerator organized just so, closet organization changes constantly...oy I just realized that this is a control issue...instead of eating and having control that way, I control my space by ridiculous organization.
Oy....I'm going to have to sleep on this to figure this all out...
Clearly, it's not about the food...
Alright, so what have I been up to the past few months besides not going to the gym? Well, to be honest, I've done a lot of playing. A lot of dabbling. A lot of trying. A bit of experimenting. I'm not done playing yet. I don't know how to be serious. I realized about a month ago, that the last 2 guys I've dated, or whatever, have been nice guys. One, I grew bored with and began to duck phone calls and avoid making plans. I had to cut him lose and it killed me when his eyes welled up when I said goodbye. But, I couldn't lead him on. I can't be the asshole that I despise so much. The next one was a great find. This is the type of guy I'm supposed to marry...the guy who I wasn't supposed to meet for a few more years. But, I scared him off by giving him way too many details of my social life too soon. Subconsciencely, I did it on purpose. I'm quite sure of it. I wasn't ready to be done playing. But 2 nice guys I pushed out of my life. 2 guys who opened doors, called when they said they would, were funny, interesting, had a good head on their shoulders, etc.
I'm not ready to grow up. To take responsibility. All I can do is be anal retentive and OCD about a couple of things I obsess about, and those things change almost on a daily basis. My coffee mugs are stored in order by size, refrigerator organized just so, closet organization changes constantly...oy I just realized that this is a control issue...instead of eating and having control that way, I control my space by ridiculous organization.
Oy....I'm going to have to sleep on this to figure this all out...
Clearly, it's not about the food...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Running Out of Steam
Yeah. I am. It happens. I gained and lost my Trouble grieving weight; learned that I hadn't cured myself of emotional eating and then just ran out of steam. I can't seem to break 145 lbs. Granted, I've been going out 3-4 nights a week, drowning my sorrows and then pigging out on bar food. No wonder. Clearly I'm avoiding something. But, we do that. We do things to 'busy' ourselves so that we don't have to deal with our real issues.
Because I'm me, I do everything in excess. I need to learn moderation...
Because I'm me, I do everything in excess. I need to learn moderation...
Monday, September 1, 2008
Mamma Mia!
Roller coasters, let me tell you. I've had an interesting few weeks. I've been grieving over my puppy. I'm disappointed in myself that I'm not "cured" from emotional eating, but at least I know where I'm at. I've been going out a lot. Staying out late. Being irresponsible. I like it. I spent a couple of weeks in my head. And then one morning last week, I was in the shower and got a call from my parents house.
I ignored the call, but realized I had better get my act together so that I can return the phone call on the way to work but that i I needed to actually be on the way to wok on time if that was my plan. Turns out, all that rushing was just so that my mom could ask if i wanted to see Mamma Mia w/her this weekend. Of course I wanted to see it, just didn't know she wanted to.
Anyway, yesterday was the day. Now, I don't know how familiar any of you are with the story, but at one point the mother and daughter, while getting the daughter ready for her wedding, sing a song entitled, "Slipping Through My Fingers". I about lost it and broke into hysterics during this song and this scene in the movie. I realized I was crying because I don't believe my mom and I will ever actually live that scene. The feelings aren't there and our relationship is based way too much on superficiality...here are the lyrics...
Slipping Through My Fingers
-ABBA - MAMMA MIA!
I cried...oh did I cry. I just lost it in the theater and she didn't really know why. I mean, everyone is used to me crying in movies, but not like this. LOL...she probably thinks I was crying because she thinks I think I'll never get married. LOL I wish that was it.
I ignored the call, but realized I had better get my act together so that I can return the phone call on the way to work but that i I needed to actually be on the way to wok on time if that was my plan. Turns out, all that rushing was just so that my mom could ask if i wanted to see Mamma Mia w/her this weekend. Of course I wanted to see it, just didn't know she wanted to.
Anyway, yesterday was the day. Now, I don't know how familiar any of you are with the story, but at one point the mother and daughter, while getting the daughter ready for her wedding, sing a song entitled, "Slipping Through My Fingers". I about lost it and broke into hysterics during this song and this scene in the movie. I realized I was crying because I don't believe my mom and I will ever actually live that scene. The feelings aren't there and our relationship is based way too much on superficiality...here are the lyrics...
Slipping Through My Fingers
-ABBA - MAMMA MIA!
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go(slipping through my fingers all the
time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers...
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile...
I cried...oh did I cry. I just lost it in the theater and she didn't really know why. I mean, everyone is used to me crying in movies, but not like this. LOL...she probably thinks I was crying because she thinks I think I'll never get married. LOL I wish that was it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Not As Cured As I Thought I Was
Exactly one week ago tonight, I held my childhood puppy in my arms as his heart beat for the last time. He was 14 years old. We got home from the vet, after he had gotten a shot of anti-biotics and a banana-bag of fluids in an attempt to fight off a horrible infection, and I helped him out of the car, as I had so many times in the prior few days. But this time, his legs didn't lock when his paws hit the pavement. He just collapsed into me, and I fell onto the ground. He wasn't breathing and his pulse was faint...and then it was gone. His old body just couldn't fight off the infection, compounded w/his heart condition and just general age.
I've gained about 5 pounds in the last week. I've consumed entire pizzas in one sitting. But, I'm aware of it. And after I finish this slice, I'm done. I'm back on the wagon. But, I thought I was done w/the emotional eating. Guess not. Maybe I should get off my soapbox.
I've gained about 5 pounds in the last week. I've consumed entire pizzas in one sitting. But, I'm aware of it. And after I finish this slice, I'm done. I'm back on the wagon. But, I thought I was done w/the emotional eating. Guess not. Maybe I should get off my soapbox.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The 20 Pound Controversy, or perhaps more aptly titled, The Human Condition
I'm down to 145. Drivers license weight is 142, so the goal is 141 by a week from Tuesday, which will hopefully, be cake...for lack of a better term. But that's not the controversy, that's just a check mark next to goal #2. I've come so far, and I'm so close and I feel the support I once had dwindling. I clearly have more to lose since I can still grab handfulls of flesh all around my abdomen. Those around me, pretty much everyone, are so used to me being the fat girl, that the idea of me actually being slim and thin is pretty frightening, I think. I really don't want to think that those closest to me would want to sabotage my efforts at reaching my final goal of 125. I know I won't maintain there. Duh. I'll probably level out around 135, but I am so close to having the ability to say, "I'm half the person I used to be." So close.
And then? LOL. No and then. Sorry. Bad movie reference. Moving on. I'm burning the candle at both ends again, so to speak. I've been going out a bit more. I'm liking the attention, yet at the same time, I can't help but know that it's mostly due to my newly found body. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that maybe I'm having more good self esteem days. It's just all so new to me. People are superficial. I am superficial. I don't try to be. But I am. And I have become moreso during this whole journey of mine. I notice more flaws in other people. Maybe because I notice more flaws in myself. And I project that on other people, apparently.
I'm trying to become a nicer person. To not carry all of this anger and hostility and resentment and paranoia and to just let things be. The world turned nicely before I was born, will turn just as well once I'm gone, as morbid as it is to think about. Not really sure how I got on this path. The thing is, losing all of this weight, and pushing through this final 20 pounds is really one of the largest accomplishments I've ever made in my life.
Up until recently, as you know, I had the support of my family, friends, and complete strangers. Everyone cheering me on as though I were a special olympian. (Let that mental picture settle in for a moment because I did choose my words carefully there.) And now, all of a sudden, I'm on the cusp. I'm on the cusp of becoming one of the thin girls. I can taste it. Good gawd, we are so food obsessed we even sprinkle our language with food terms. Sprinkle. Oy. Ok, I did that one on purpose.
I've lived my life to the extreme. No, I don't go bungee jumping, hang gliding, or travelling to any remote location where the state department even suggests additional vaccinations. But, I take things too far. I speak in superlatives. I walk into a room, and am neither warm or cool, but announce that the room is either "like a sauna" or "like an icebox". Either nobody loves me, or my cell phone is blowing up. I either eat like a cow, as though each meal were the last supper and I have to eat w/11 of my closest friends all on one side of the table (ok bad joke), or I do some extreme diet. But, usually I don't have the commitment that I have now.
No, now I almost have tunnel vision on this goal and as you may be able to tell it has become somewhat of an obsession.
Not that this has much to do with this post in particular, but I came across this quote last week, and the more I think about it, the more profound it is (damn, I was trying to squeeze the $50 word, profundity in there...oh well...)
"When you can't hear opportunity knocking, perhaps you should build a door."
And then? LOL. No and then. Sorry. Bad movie reference. Moving on. I'm burning the candle at both ends again, so to speak. I've been going out a bit more. I'm liking the attention, yet at the same time, I can't help but know that it's mostly due to my newly found body. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that maybe I'm having more good self esteem days. It's just all so new to me. People are superficial. I am superficial. I don't try to be. But I am. And I have become moreso during this whole journey of mine. I notice more flaws in other people. Maybe because I notice more flaws in myself. And I project that on other people, apparently.
I'm trying to become a nicer person. To not carry all of this anger and hostility and resentment and paranoia and to just let things be. The world turned nicely before I was born, will turn just as well once I'm gone, as morbid as it is to think about. Not really sure how I got on this path. The thing is, losing all of this weight, and pushing through this final 20 pounds is really one of the largest accomplishments I've ever made in my life.
Up until recently, as you know, I had the support of my family, friends, and complete strangers. Everyone cheering me on as though I were a special olympian. (Let that mental picture settle in for a moment because I did choose my words carefully there.) And now, all of a sudden, I'm on the cusp. I'm on the cusp of becoming one of the thin girls. I can taste it. Good gawd, we are so food obsessed we even sprinkle our language with food terms. Sprinkle. Oy. Ok, I did that one on purpose.
I've lived my life to the extreme. No, I don't go bungee jumping, hang gliding, or travelling to any remote location where the state department even suggests additional vaccinations. But, I take things too far. I speak in superlatives. I walk into a room, and am neither warm or cool, but announce that the room is either "like a sauna" or "like an icebox". Either nobody loves me, or my cell phone is blowing up. I either eat like a cow, as though each meal were the last supper and I have to eat w/11 of my closest friends all on one side of the table (ok bad joke), or I do some extreme diet. But, usually I don't have the commitment that I have now.
No, now I almost have tunnel vision on this goal and as you may be able to tell it has become somewhat of an obsession.
Not that this has much to do with this post in particular, but I came across this quote last week, and the more I think about it, the more profound it is (damn, I was trying to squeeze the $50 word, profundity in there...oh well...)
"When you can't hear opportunity knocking, perhaps you should build a door."
Sunday, July 27, 2008
There's No Pleasing Some People
Guess. Yep. Mommy. We had a sit down the other day at the office where she informed me that I'm not eating enough and what I'm doing is unhealthy. This is less than 24 hours after I informed her that I now wear a size 6. Holy shit a size 6! Anyway, coincidence? I think not.
But, more than not being able to please dear old mom, I can't please myself. Ok, that came out wrong. Why do I blog everything I'm thinking? Really? Is it necessary? Yes, yes, oh world of cyberspace, I can, in fact, please myself. Now, lets all get our minds out of the gutter and back to where we were prior to our little birdwalk. What I meant to say is that I will never live up to my own expectations because they are both constantly changing and contradictory and therefore, perhaps by design, completely unattainable. Good gawd, I am a glutton for punishment. But, what am I talking about? Ok, well, even though I've lost over 100 pounds, most of the time when I look in the mirror, I can't see a difference. Dr. AsianHonoraryJew says that's unfortunately the norm. And yet, I'm lying on my bed, typing this blog on my laptop, and I'm realizing that the laptop is actually grinding on my hipbones as I'm typing away and it's painful. I have protruding bones? How can I still be fat and have protruding bones?
Obviously, I'm aware that I am physically smaller due simply to the fact that all of my clothes are too big and I have protruding bones. But the mind is powerful and plays tricks. I think I was on a high for a while about losing the weight thinking that if I could just hit my goal weight, my life would be perfect. I've clearly come to understand this to be a fallacy, which leaves me in somewhat of an uncomfortable situation. Yeah, I don't know why I keep slipping in and out of college essay $50 words and my normal half English blabbering either, but I've noticed it too. Duely noted.
Speaking of things to be duely noted, I've begun recycling. BUT, not for the environment, for the money. I waited in line with an interesting crowd for a good 2 hours for my $6. Hey, cash is cash. I realized that I drink enough diet coke and water that I may as well subsidize myself on the cost by recycling...as distasteful as the whole idea is to me. I'm doin what I gotta do though. Trying to figure out the whole budget thing. Creative ways to make money. I have to laugh because there is, in existance, an extensive list actually entitled, "Ways to make money" compiled by my friends and myself during our summer camp days. I was reading through them the other day looking for ideas. I'm not so sure that "selling invisible things" would work out so well. Interesting concept tho. I mean, I sell invisible things. Intangible anyway. If you can't touch or hold something, because there isn't something to touch or hold, does it not exist or is it invisible? Hmmm......
My we go some interesting places in this blog, don't we?
Anyway, to bring it all home and together so that perhaps I get a few hours of sleep since it's only 3:45 am at present, here are my final thoughts on all of this. It's really just more of the same over and over again. Always worried about getting mom's approval so much so that I've begun to be less forgiving of myself than even she is. I stress myself out, and make myself crazy only to sit back and realize that butfor all of my "stuff" I'm in a really good place. Yeah, I'm broke and clipping coupons, but I'm in my mid twenties and own my own home. Maybe I just need to lighten up on myself. I'd never expect out of others what I expect from myself so maybe I should take my own advise and manage my own expectations.
But, more than not being able to please dear old mom, I can't please myself. Ok, that came out wrong. Why do I blog everything I'm thinking? Really? Is it necessary? Yes, yes, oh world of cyberspace, I can, in fact, please myself. Now, lets all get our minds out of the gutter and back to where we were prior to our little birdwalk. What I meant to say is that I will never live up to my own expectations because they are both constantly changing and contradictory and therefore, perhaps by design, completely unattainable. Good gawd, I am a glutton for punishment. But, what am I talking about? Ok, well, even though I've lost over 100 pounds, most of the time when I look in the mirror, I can't see a difference. Dr. AsianHonoraryJew says that's unfortunately the norm. And yet, I'm lying on my bed, typing this blog on my laptop, and I'm realizing that the laptop is actually grinding on my hipbones as I'm typing away and it's painful. I have protruding bones? How can I still be fat and have protruding bones?
Obviously, I'm aware that I am physically smaller due simply to the fact that all of my clothes are too big and I have protruding bones. But the mind is powerful and plays tricks. I think I was on a high for a while about losing the weight thinking that if I could just hit my goal weight, my life would be perfect. I've clearly come to understand this to be a fallacy, which leaves me in somewhat of an uncomfortable situation. Yeah, I don't know why I keep slipping in and out of college essay $50 words and my normal half English blabbering either, but I've noticed it too. Duely noted.
Speaking of things to be duely noted, I've begun recycling. BUT, not for the environment, for the money. I waited in line with an interesting crowd for a good 2 hours for my $6. Hey, cash is cash. I realized that I drink enough diet coke and water that I may as well subsidize myself on the cost by recycling...as distasteful as the whole idea is to me. I'm doin what I gotta do though. Trying to figure out the whole budget thing. Creative ways to make money. I have to laugh because there is, in existance, an extensive list actually entitled, "Ways to make money" compiled by my friends and myself during our summer camp days. I was reading through them the other day looking for ideas. I'm not so sure that "selling invisible things" would work out so well. Interesting concept tho. I mean, I sell invisible things. Intangible anyway. If you can't touch or hold something, because there isn't something to touch or hold, does it not exist or is it invisible? Hmmm......
My we go some interesting places in this blog, don't we?
Anyway, to bring it all home and together so that perhaps I get a few hours of sleep since it's only 3:45 am at present, here are my final thoughts on all of this. It's really just more of the same over and over again. Always worried about getting mom's approval so much so that I've begun to be less forgiving of myself than even she is. I stress myself out, and make myself crazy only to sit back and realize that butfor all of my "stuff" I'm in a really good place. Yeah, I'm broke and clipping coupons, but I'm in my mid twenties and own my own home. Maybe I just need to lighten up on myself. I'd never expect out of others what I expect from myself so maybe I should take my own advise and manage my own expectations.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
For A Slight Change Of Pace
I will rarely post these things on here, but this one just seems so appropriate and timely, that I just had to...someone please let me know where I should address this letter... :-D
To Whom It May Concern,
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided i would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big Oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes.
But that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took your jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?
I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things once again. I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment.
I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and prettiest seashells I could find. I would spend my afternoon climbing trees and riding my bike. I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, or how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, and a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, the advancement of making angels in the snow. So...here is my checkbook, my car-keys and my credit cards.I am officially resigning from adulthood.And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause....."Tag! You're It."
To Whom It May Concern,
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided i would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big Oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes.
But that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took your jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?
I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things once again. I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment.
I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and prettiest seashells I could find. I would spend my afternoon climbing trees and riding my bike. I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, or how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, and a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, the advancement of making angels in the snow. So...here is my checkbook, my car-keys and my credit cards.I am officially resigning from adulthood.And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause....."Tag! You're It."
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