The 20 Pound Controversy, or perhaps more aptly titled, The Human Condition

I'm down to 145. Drivers license weight is 142, so the goal is 141 by a week from Tuesday, which will hopefully, be cake...for lack of a better term. But that's not the controversy, that's just a check mark next to goal #2. I've come so far, and I'm so close and I feel the support I once had dwindling. I clearly have more to lose since I can still grab handfulls of flesh all around my abdomen. Those around me, pretty much everyone, are so used to me being the fat girl, that the idea of me actually being slim and thin is pretty frightening, I think. I really don't want to think that those closest to me would want to sabotage my efforts at reaching my final goal of 125. I know I won't maintain there. Duh. I'll probably level out around 135, but I am so close to having the ability to say, "I'm half the person I used to be." So close.



And then? LOL. No and then. Sorry. Bad movie reference. Moving on. I'm burning the candle at both ends again, so to speak. I've been going out a bit more. I'm liking the attention, yet at the same time, I can't help but know that it's mostly due to my newly found body. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that maybe I'm having more good self esteem days. It's just all so new to me. People are superficial. I am superficial. I don't try to be. But I am. And I have become moreso during this whole journey of mine. I notice more flaws in other people. Maybe because I notice more flaws in myself. And I project that on other people, apparently.

I'm trying to become a nicer person. To not carry all of this anger and hostility and resentment and paranoia and to just let things be. The world turned nicely before I was born, will turn just as well once I'm gone, as morbid as it is to think about. Not really sure how I got on this path. The thing is, losing all of this weight, and pushing through this final 20 pounds is really one of the largest accomplishments I've ever made in my life.

Up until recently, as you know, I had the support of my family, friends, and complete strangers. Everyone cheering me on as though I were a special olympian. (Let that mental picture settle in for a moment because I did choose my words carefully there.) And now, all of a sudden, I'm on the cusp. I'm on the cusp of becoming one of the thin girls. I can taste it. Good gawd, we are so food obsessed we even sprinkle our language with food terms. Sprinkle. Oy. Ok, I did that one on purpose.

I've lived my life to the extreme. No, I don't go bungee jumping, hang gliding, or travelling to any remote location where the state department even suggests additional vaccinations. But, I take things too far. I speak in superlatives. I walk into a room, and am neither warm or cool, but announce that the room is either "like a sauna" or "like an icebox". Either nobody loves me, or my cell phone is blowing up. I either eat like a cow, as though each meal were the last supper and I have to eat w/11 of my closest friends all on one side of the table (ok bad joke), or I do some extreme diet. But, usually I don't have the commitment that I have now.

No, now I almost have tunnel vision on this goal and as you may be able to tell it has become somewhat of an obsession.

Not that this has much to do with this post in particular, but I came across this quote last week, and the more I think about it, the more profound it is (damn, I was trying to squeeze the $50 word, profundity in there...oh well...)

"When you can't hear opportunity knocking, perhaps you should build a door."