Yes, congradulations are in order, I did it. And it is an accomplishment. And yet, I'm not happy yet. I still wanna lose another 25. Not sure where it's gonna come from. If my boobs get any smaller, I think I'll scream. I don't need my spleen, right? LOL, just kidding.
Had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It was just a check-up, but because I'm me and have a team of doctors, I had a chance to have coffee w/my favorite one before my actual doctor's appointment. During our coffee conversation we talked about a lot of things, the weight, this blog, when and how I'm going to effectively maintain when I get to that point, relationship w/my mom, etc. We had a good talk and it was great to see her.
And then it was off to my actual check-up. My doctor proceed to tell me, essentialy, that I lost a lot of weight quickly and I'm essentially starving myself and he's never seen me this shakey. Well, sure. I haven't eaten in 2 years. Kidding...mostly. Ok, yes I eat. Just not very much.
Anyway, I walked away from that appointment feeling kind of like a bum. Can I not do anything right? Are you my mother? I have to laugh. That was a good childhood book. So, what's the plan going forward?
Honestly, I don't know. Unchartered territory for me. I don't know how to eat normally. I've never done it before. But more important than that, I don't know how to just let go. To let go of the past, the hurt, the resentment. I don't know how to trust. I'm paranoid. I want to be treated well, but when I am, I assume an ulterior motive. When I'm not, it's just par for the course.
Have I really fallen so low that if someone is nice to me and treats me decently I assume they have an ulterior motive? Is that paranoia or a guilty conscience and is one a product of the other? Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that losing weight would have unleashed all of these questions and emotions.
It's good though. It's cleansing. It's freeing. You should all try it. Get everything out. On paper. In cyberspace. Whereever. I wouldn't necessarily walk up to the person you blame for your issues and confront them on it, but hey, to each his own.
Someone referred to me as "hot" this morning. That was a lifetime first. Good things happen...sometimes they take time...this took 25 years...
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
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3 comments:
you go! can't wait to get there!
Congrats Wow!
I really appreciate the support from both of you!
It's a rough road, and I don't have all the answers, but hopefully we can all cheer each other on!
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