For Starters...

Well, I should introduce myself. I said I should... ;-) Oy, well, I recently had my quarter life crisis, bought a house and dropped about 90 pounds. Ok, it's not exactly what it seems. I grew up never needing or really wanting anything. I grew up with the superficially perfect family. Two parents married over 30 years, 2 kids, pets, big house in suburbia, good schools, etc. And yet, I can tell you that I feel as though I missed out.

I was never starved, beaten, abused, or anything horrible that you hear about on the news, but I was damaged. My mom, and while I do love her, and very much so, I do not respect her (and we will get to that story at a much alter post). Under the auspices of "working like a dog" and "moving heaven and earth" (interesting choice of words), my mom is a person who will go way above and beyond the call of duty to make sure that she has control over situations. She calls this being helpful. Oh, and will overexert herself, to the point of either physical or mental exhaustion and manytimes illness...percieved or otherwise. At best, I call it martyr syndrome. At worst, Munchousens. Apparently the flair for drama has rubbed off on me.

Anyway, we're getting off track here. My entire life she had to control. Or at least I percieved it to be the case. Like many kids who find themselves feeling powerless in a world of dominating forces turn within to find something, anything, that we can control. And for me, well, I ate. And I ate.

Kept it up for over 2 decades even. Ate for every reason. Every emotion. Every feeling. It became just on auto-pilot. I'd consume thousands of calories and have no recollation of putting a crumb in my mouth. But, and I didn't realize it at the time, I had control of something. I had the power. Self-destructive, yes. But, power nonetheless.

Well, I continued to balloon over the years. I'd try every diet known to man, but my heart wasn't in it. Because, as I realize now that I didn't then, it's not about the food. I could live very nicely never eating an onion ring again. The problem is much deeper than that. It didn't help that over the years, she'd buy me clothes a size or two too small for "inspiration". Anyone who has ever been overweight knows that this act accomplishes the exact opposite. "I'll show you." "You can't control me." Did you see Spanglish?

While I could go on and on, and probably will in the next days and weeks, this seems like a good place to take a breath. If you are reading this, I hope that you can take something from my tale that will help you on your journey. I have plans for this blog to be about as open and honest as can be on this very sensitive topic for me...as it is for most, so if I can help somebody out there to come to terms with a similar truth to the one I have, well then I will feel as though I have done something, even something small to make a difference...