Change is Enevitable...Except from a Vending Machine...

What people who have never struggled with their weight do not understand (or perhaps cannot) is that the prospect of losing a major percentage of one's body is huge. "You need to lose 100 pounds." May as well be 1000! That is so huge. It's hard to comprehend. Go to Costco and pick up a large bag of dog food. That is 40 lbs. Lose two and a half of those. Well, first wrap your head around the fact that you are carrying around two and a half large bags of dog food with you everyday for no reason.

That's a good metafore actually...bags of dog food. Ya know, I could take us all through the journey day by day up until this point and then go from there, but i think it'd bore me to tears. I'll hit the major points and starting tomorrow, we'll start discussing the present and the future.

Once I had finally wrapped my brain around the concept that I actually had a huge endeavour ahead of me, but that it was probably do-able, I think I had an anxiety attack. To be honest, I don't remember that exact moment. For so long, I was the fat kid. I was the fat person. I was the bitchy fat person. I was the funny fat person. I was the fat person with the fat jokes and self deprecating humor. That was my identity. Oh, and of course I had my mother in the back of my head always, "Are you hungry? Do you need to eat that? Have some fruit!" And guess what my response to my mothers voice in my head was each time, "Yes, yes, hellllll no!"

But, I realized I was holding myself back in my own life. I was going to die 30 years too early from a heart condition or diabetes or something. I lacked the confidence (and still do, to some extent) to go out and show the world who I am and what I can really do.

During the first two weeks on this plan, I'm not sure that I lost much weight. I was still trying to figure out a way around it. But, then at my next appointment, and I'll never forget this as long as I live, I looked across the desk from Dr. AsianHonoraryJew and told him that I'm done counting. He seemed perplexed. I repeated myself. He stared at me. I swear we did this for what seemed like a half hour but must've been only a minute or two. Finally, he grabbed his prescription pad, started scribbling something on it, handed it to me, and said "Take one in the morning."

I didn't want to take diet pills. I know they are addictive. But, there was something else there, in that gesture. There was an understanding. There are very very few human beings in this world who understand that moderation does not work for everyone. So, full disclosure, am I addicted to diet pills at this point in time? Probably. Once I lose my last 30 or so lbs and get my arm twisted to ween off of them, am I goign to be happy about it? No. But, I will have showed her.

I started this journey for myself. To become healthier, to feel better both physically and about myself in general and to rub it in the face of my so-called aunt. But, thats not what it's about anymore. I've completely changed my mindset on food. Not on life, not on my friends, family or mother...just on food.

Is all right with the world? No. Is all right with my world? Hell no! Am I thinner? Yes. I'm still missing something. I've missed out on the memories of quiet times. I've missed out on knowning smiles. I've missed out on that bond that I've been scratching for, like a stray cat, for so long.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this...I may have solved my weight and emotional eating problem. Which, for many people who are just starting on their own personal journies, that is the major problem, and good for you for realizing that and for using this blog as a step in the right direction towards a more healthful life. But, for me...I'm now just empty inside...