Filling the Emptiness

I understand the gambler. I understand the alcoholic. I understand the hoarder. I get it now. I've tried to explain in concrete terms exactly what "it" is that I get and why it has become incredibly easy for the weight to fall off (now I just have a whole laundry list of other problems in its place), but its difficult to explain.



I'm just going to come out and say it. I blame my mother. Period. I blame my mom for my being fat. Which was really just the result of a feeling of loss of control, rebellion, ambiviliance, and probably a projection of HER baggage from her own mother. It's a cycle. The word blame seems a bit immature and childish but I think it defines exactly, black and white, how I feel and how I have come to understand why and how I ended up the way I did and have.



I could almost tell you the moment when it hit...I was in the shower, naturally. And, I just thought to myself, "Wait a minute. Why do we shove food in our mouths everytime we feel an emotion? Because of our mothers. Either they were/are the benovelant type who baked cookies as a reward for every little thing from straight A's to a scraped knee...or they were/are the type who have to control every aspect of every detail of everything and, the young child learns that the one thing in the world that they can control is what they put in their mouth and when." And then it becomes, "You're grounded!" "Fine!" while sneaking away with a handfull of cookies thinking, "Well, I may be grounded, but I have cookies." Later, that turns into, "Well, I broke up with my boyfriend so I'm going to consume my weight in Haagen Dasz." Til it finallly becomes, "I'm bored and have 15 min to kill til I have to leave, I'll have a snack." Wait? What???



When did food become the answer to all of life's problems? It's not. But it fills a hole. It fills a metaphoric hole and it fills a big hole right in the middle of our faces. Unfortunately, the big hole in the middle of our faces is bottomless and never ending. That's why it's not about the food. It's about filling emptiness. And emptiness is the hard thing to fill.