As Google Chat Would Say... And We're Back

Alright. I apologize for my extended absense. I've had a lot of drama going on in my life over the past few months, and yo-yoed on the weight a bit, and as of this morning I'm down to 138.4 lbs! Yay. Anyway, if you'd like to know what's been going on over the past month, check out my other blog, which I doubt if I'll update anymore. japonabus.blogspot.com It's kinda funny, if nothing else.



I'm going on a cruise in July. A 7 night Mexican Cruise. (Cross your fingers that Swine Flu will be a thing of the past). Anyway, I'm not so much in weight loss mode right now, as I am in firm up mode. If I could drop 12.6 lbs before then, great, but I'm much more concerned with two things.



1. My absolute lack of a base tan. I'm white as a ghost. I think I'm going to attempt to remedy that with a blend of self-tanner and a trip to the tanning salon 1-2x a week between now and then.



2. But, that's not my big problem. Skin is my problem. In my tummy especially. A friend of mine showed me some great stomach tightening exercises that I've been doing religiously since I learned. Now, I realized that I actually have pretty tight abs...the problem is the layer of skin hanging off of them. And I do mean hanging. Nowhere near as bad as before, but still. So, the next couple of months are going to be a lot more about exercise and toning muscles as opposed to straight losing weight. Ok, all of that plus I need to buy a bathing suit. And cruise attire.



Ok, enough of that. Maybe because it's getting warmer out. Maybe because I'm still not used to it. And maybe because I just can't let myself be happy for once. What the hell am I talking about? Ok, you're right. Should probably share that with the audience. I'm going back to my observation from about a year ago about the fact that I've noticed a distinct change in how people treat me. BOTH people I've known my entire life as well as perfect strangers. My issue is this. I may look "normal" now, but I still have fat girl mentality for the most part. Therefore, I over analyze my interactions with people and have concluded that people are more engaging towards me because I look different. Up until about 5 min ago, I had a strong resentment towards the majority of the population. But, I realized that we are all human. I most likely do the same thing, although I am uber conscious of it, so maybe I don't do it to the extent that I feel it is done to me.

How can I judge people and dislike them for something we all do to various degrees and usually unintentionally? Yes, I want to shout my story from the roof tops, because I am really proud of myself. Yes, I want to tell everyone what I've overcome. And yet, when they notice without me pointing it out, I resent the complement because in MY warped mind, I only got the complement because of how I look and would have not gotten it before.

I almost equate a what happens emotionally during and after a substantial weight loss to a volcanic eruption. Think about it. A volcano grows and grows and grows and can withstand increasing amounts of pressure. Eventually, when the time is right, the volcano erupts and then dangerous, hot lava comes pouring out. Well, if you are an emotional eater like I am, you eat and eat and grow and grow. This seems relatively normal to us in our little world that we create for ourselves. And then we decide to make a change. We somehow kick it into overdrive and get on a weight loss plan that works for us. Well, after this explosion, after we've dropped that first noticible chunk of weight, the dangerous hot lava begins to seep out. These are the hurts, the emotions, our childhood memories, all of the things that we suppressed by eating.

Let me tell you I've gotta lotta lava...I'll have more to add later...but I now know more than ever, that clearly,
It's Not About The Food