We Are Always Under Construction...

It's been a tumultuous few weeks, to say the least. Family drama, drama with friends, personal life crap going on...all recipe's for disaster for someone on a diet. But, here's the deal. I'm not cured. I don't think I ever will be. They say that inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out...but I think the opposite is also true. I'd be willing to bet that if we were all honest with each other, we could all admit that if you were once fat and then lost the weight, you're just a fat person in smaller skin. Well, maybe skin was the wrong word. Smaller pants...how bout that?



Anyway, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm still screwed up in the head. I think like I'm double the size; I act that way sometimes; and worst of all, I'm somewhat paranoid that when others see me, they see right through the size small shirt and size 4 pants (sorry, HAD to throw that in there), and they really see ME. Emotional wreck. Indecisive. Unsure of myself. All things I had assumed would go away. No such luck.



Hell, I even try to act like a "skinny girl". Ugh, it feels so fake. Anyway, maybe that will change once I get further along in my reconstruction project. I'm about 95% done with the weight loss portion. And now it's time to tone up. No, I haven't been back to the gym. Instead I now have a personal trainer. He kicks my ass and pushes me til I collapse. I'm one of those people who either needs to be in TOTAL CONTROL, or have someone completely overpower me physically or even psychologically, because if i sense weakness, it's all over. Yes I know I need to work out, I know I'm screwed up in the head, but I am a stubborn bitch when I don't want to do something in the moment.

Anyway, I now have a major plumbing problem. Need a new sewer line and apparently that requires digging up my front yard. That's besides the point.